Breast is Best

               Breast is best.. but for how long? I am a lactivist, a lover of boobie babies and long term nurser. I have been nursing baby for almost 20 months now with no sign of stopping. At least for him, I however have been feeling the pressures of the proverbial "Societal Norms". Three out of four moms leave the hospital breastfeeding, but by 6 months it is down to 43%  only 1/4th of babies make it to their first birthday*. Almost none make it as long as I have, so I am feeling pressures from my family and society as a whole to end my nursing journey. But I DON'T WANNA! Thankfully most of my friends a avid (some rabid :P) nursers, but even they ended around the 12-18 month mark. I feel the need to hide my nursing , no in a sick way like I am doing something wrong, I just don't want to be judged for having a 22lb toddler hanging from my boob in the middle of Target ( I am sure no one would look twice in walmart.) I love the fact that when Baby wakes up in the morning he says and signs "Mama, Boobie,Milk, Please" and the way he looks at me with his bright blue eyes. Or when he is ready for sleep and all he wants for comfort is my tender, loving bosom.

Okay, to be fair to myself.. he is kind of getting weird about the way he treats my boobs, and it is starting to make me a tinsy bit uncomfortable. A list of weird things he does to my tits that make me a little skeeved out:

1. He slaps my cleavage when he wants to be fed. Sometimes it's in public.
2. Sometimes he motorboats my ta-tas in public .
3. When he dose the aforementioned things he also says loudly (and unfortunately clearly) "BOOOBIEEESS"
4. He likes to play with the unused nipple by digging in my bra while nursing.
5. He started shaking his head "NO" while attached. 
6. He recently discovered Hot Wheels. He now uses my cleavage as hilly terrain for his "cahs".

So it is getting more than a little weird for me, but I don't think either one of us is in an emotional place to give it up. Nursing is my most favorite parts of child bearing/rearing hands down. Not to mention all of the benefits. The bond I forge with my child during this time is precious to me, and Baby is a handful. So nursing him is one of the only times during our day we aren't butting heads.

With Picky all I wanted to do was nurse him, but with a lack of support at home and being 17 in a tumultuous home environment , it was nearly impossible. I couldn't get him to latch on , so I pumped. For 6 weeks until I couldn't do it anymore ( I was put on medicine to battle my crippling post partum psychosis)

When I was pregnant with Princess I made a vow to myself to nurse as long as I could and by setting 3 month increments I made it to 14 months, where she weaned herself. Same thing with Doodle, he made it almost to 17 months before weaning himself. Now where we are, at a stalemate with baby. I am hoping he will decide to give up one day so I don't have it on my conscience. Yeah, I know that sounds horrible, but I love nursing so much I haven't had the heart to say no the 5x we have tried to wean him. So wish me luck,if Baby has his way he will be the longest breastfed human of all time, and will still be nursing on his wedding day (after that he is his wife's problem). 

 

In Stitches

What a day it has been! It started out pretty awesome, I got to drive our new electric car to drop the kids off at school , David was making me breakfast, and I was going to make it to the gym in time to make my 2 favorite classes! I was on top of it this morning, that is until I walked in the front door expecting fantasmo homemade cinnamon honey oatmeal and instead am bum rushed by David (who looked whiter then his usual pasty self).

" Hey! I don't want you to freak out... but Doodle had an accident."

"Umm.. ok...?" (what the fuck!?!?! )

" He fell...."

"Mmmhhmm...and...?"

"Down the stairs."

"Ok..." (Really? Again? Oh God his arm or leg is broken and now there is bone poking through his skin and blood ... man this kitchen floor needs to be mopped this morning. What hasn't David told me yet?)

" He is okay, but he needs to go to the hospital. Don't get upset and scream, I finally got him calmed down."

"Okay...." I go down the hall and enter the kitchen, where I see my beautiful baby boy with a fucking HOLE in his beautiful , once unmarred skull.

" Hey buddy are you O.K?"

He shook his head, okay, there isn't any brain matter (that I can see.) Breathe! I tried to stay calm, because freaking out is going to freak him out and if he freaks out his blood pressure will go up , therefore making the open wound in his head gush instead of drip blood. HOLY FUCK it looks gross! I guess moping is out of the question this morning.

"I can't look at this David. We need to cover it or I am going to pass out."

"Find a gauze."

I find one and have David apply it , I avoid looking at it. I start getting ready to go, I grab the necessary cards and my purse.

"I'm going to get the baby up and go with you, so one of us can hold the bandage on him while the other drives."

"Thats fine. Doodle what do you want to bring to the doctors? "

"Lovie and my pink Barbie."

I go upstairs and search for this weird yellow crusty, half bear half blanket my grannny bought for him when he was born. I look everywhere in the room and can't find the damn thing. UGH! Seriously?? One of the things my wounded baby wants is missing! What kind of mother am I? I grab his frog stuffed animal and the  pink Barbie and rush down to help him put on his shoes. I tell him to stand by the door, and I go to the kitchen and down a glass of wine, I need some liquid courage. Then I hear the door open and look down the hall just in time to see Doodle get hit in the head by the door!  I am now convinced he is going to die by the end of this day.

We get in the car and David drops me off by the front door, I tell him to find a sitter for Dex.

"Try C and if we can't get C call T. Her cell number is in my cell, which is in the other car."

"Got it. Good Luck buddy, the doctors are going to take care of you. I will be back soon to help you."

I go the the desk and check Doodle in. On the paperwork they ask me "Reason for visit: Hole in my sons head."  I sit down next to him in a chair , but I have to turn away so he can't see the silent tears running down my face. I am so worried, I don't think it is a life threatening thing, but I am worried about a head trauma. (Yes, I have been told by friends and family to STOP watching Grey's Anatomy) I am a mom, and anytime my kids are hurt, I hurt, because there are somethings I can't fix or take away from them. I am also crying because I am glad that it wasn't worse. When he fell he hit his forehead on the pin part of the hinge from the front door.

So while it poked a hole in his skin, it missed his eye, which it would have gone though had it been 3 inches down. 

They take us back to a room, where he lays in bed for an hour watching cartoons. They come in and out checking on him, the Doctor tells me hit is nasty but he will need 2 stitches. He leaves and the wine on my empty stomach combined with the thought of them piercing my sons flesh with a needle is enough to send me to the bathroom to hurl. AWESOME! I smell like booze/barf and my son is in here for an accident. God I hope they can't smell me otherwise they will call CPS ! Thankfully they waited until David got back to the hospital to start sewing him up. He was so good the entire wait. He even let them wrap him like a burrito so his hands wouldn't be free to grab them. I consider leaving the room, but I can't .. I have a morbid curiosity, what can I say? They numbed him up and he squirmed with discomfort but he didn't yell or scream (which I am thankful and surprised with.) It's done in no time, they give us our discharge information and we are on our way. We ask him what he wants for a special lunch, he says "SUSHI! and Cake." We oblige. I ended up crying in the restaurant, thinking " This wasn't that serious, but who knows what the future holds?How am I supposed to let four humans go into the world?" Ugh Elizabeth Stone said it best "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I am not holding out hope that it is going to get easier. 

* Thanks so much T for watching Baby. You were a life saver. It means so much to me that you were there for us today. 

A Blessing in Disguise

Shit has been gettin' CRAY-ZAY here. My husband took on a new client a few months ago, we thought the volume was going to be heavy, so I started looking for a party time nanny. I even found a good match for our family, but then things didn't change enough to justify it. One day our landlord called and offered the house for us to buy, we jumped at the chance for a few reasons:

1. We want to be homeowners (Husband wants to be a homeowner for the sake of building wealth and some other reasons.. but when he goes on I hear the teacher from Charlie Brown. I am scared shitless... when the toilet floods again... or a sinkhole swallows up our car... we are in charge!)
2. We love our neighbors. ( I love a few.. but most are old as hell and or weird. Think Kevin Spacey from American Beauty. Husband hardly leaves the house so how would he know about our neighbors he "Doesn't want to loose.")
3. We love our neighborhood. (For the most part this is true, the homes are nice, there is green grass and , children playing in the street.. because their parents don't watch Investigation Discovery or any Nightline, 20/20, obviously. The amenities are nice, but most are super religious, right-wing hacks who you can hardly talk about the weather with because the news is even biased about that!)
4. The kids are settled in school. 
5. We are settled (which.. is killing me S-L-O-W-L-Y inside.)
6. We like our house.( READ: not LUURRVVVEE it, which in essence means we are busy business owner/operators with four small children, 3 fully packed stories and a 2 car garage full of shit I don't want to sort/donate/clean/pack in a matter of weeks.)

First we were all like " ACK!!!! We need to come up with MON-AY STAT!"  So were were saving and being thrifty like everyone does in this situation. One day 2 weeks ago there was a hail storm in the south and western parts of our state.  Then the work started pouring in... and it has been steady. Which means Husband is working 20 hour days and the kids and house have fallen (almost... because he is a good husband) completely on me. I have been tense but surviving, until last night. Princess was at the side of my bed at 330am after I had only been asleep for 2 hours, crying to sleep with me (second night in a row) and then she hacked for another hour until I couldn't take it anymore and called David to move her back. Once he moved her she started crying again, he got pissy and then I got pissy  and he stomped  down the stairs , thus waking up baby. Who by the way is my most trying child I have ever raised. I couldn't take it anymore , so I turned my fan up, put a pillow over my head and cried it out. This alone doesn't sound so bad but couple this with my hectic weekend alone with 3 hours of sleep and it is a recipe for a cranky mommy who tells her husband "Don't be surprised when I walk out on all of this shit." at 330am.

Alas, all of this work my husband is doing has covered out monthly expenses and given us the money we need to pay for this fucking house. I guess you have to take the good with the bad, like last night.. horrible night with the kids... good sex dreams including John Hamm.

 

Baby Clothes

It is 12:17 east coast time and I am up sorting baby clothes. What am I doing that for? Earlier this week a friend dropped off some freaking sweet vintage Fisher Price Little People houses and told me she was doing a consignment sale. I was all like"Damn that's a lot of work." then she was all like " It's not so bad when you get the check for it." Hmmm... this makes my light bulb go ping! I always need money. Since we are saving up for the down payment for our house my husband is going all Mr. Scrooge all over our asses. And I want a fancy nice umbrella stroller, I had to go to Hoboken, NJ with a crappy one, it was embarrassing.  Why so late? Because I fucked around all day...all week really. I spent the day with friends because my living room is covered in at least 200 pieces of baby clothes from all 4 of my children (sadly this is only a portion of what I am up against) I put it off. Why did you put it off? UMM hello??? It looks like the house threw up all of the baby clothes from the past NINE FUCKING YEARS! I thought the hardest part was going to be sorting , inputting and tagging all these pieces. Boy was I wrong! I now know how hoarders start.

This is me in 10 years after I have driven my family and friends away with my useless shit.

I got into the groove, I'm Facebooking, I'm Pinteresting and knocking this shit out. Then I come across a shirt Baby wore to our wedding. Insert sad emoticon here, I can't get rid of this! Put it in the keep pile. ( like he will EVER wear this again and neither will my grandchildren)  Turn on Pandora ... okay.. I got this..( my head is bobbing and I am singing like the late Whitney Houston) Each piece of clothing is getting increasingly harder to take my hands off of. Then this song comes on:

                                        

And I am holding a polo picky wore on his second birthday, and I fucking loose it. You have to have heard this song or listen to it now to understand why. I am in the middle of my living room surrounded by a thousand memories, crying my fucking eyes out into this shirt. And all I can do is think about how I held these kids in my arms and hugged and kissed them and (warning I am bawling so this part is going to get a bit rambly and incoherent ) I see myself at 19 having a party for him, and holding my baby girl in my arms. Doodle in this outfit as a baby, and Baby and Princess in that sleeper and I remember how much love I had for them , and I can literally feel their weight in my empty arms. I think of where we have been and how we struggled to get this far and how we are all better people for it. 

I consider myself an agnostic, once a devote Catholic. I lost faith in my God years ago, how could he let me get hit and sexually abused? But if there is something beyond this, and he is a benevolent creator , he will let me have an eternity reliving all of the good moments that have made this life worth living.  This will mean I am not saying good-bye to these clothes and everything the represent, just an hasta luego , so long for now. 

This motherhood thing is total bullshit. Really. You spend so much time care taking and wishing they would grow the fuck up and make their god damned beds ( I am looking at you Picky and Princess) by the time you actually get there , you wish they would go back to being those tiny defenseless creatures that looked to you as if you are the moon and stars. Picky will be 9 soon, I am half way done. And I am not ready for this next stage. I am not ready to say good bye to him (ask me tomorrow after his next tantrum the answer might be different) I can say good bye to these clothes that are just taking up space in my home.  

Simple Song Shins
Live lightning crashes

White Couch

I want to start this by telling you that we are in the process of buying our house so I am nesting. That, and I have become addicted to Pinterest and have been inspired and on a mission to re-decorate my WHOLE house. This summer we moved the playroom to the basement, leaving a free room off of the kitchen. It has a fireplace and we have made it the "mommy/daddy playroom" ( get your mind out of the gutter , it is a room for us... to enjoy with friends... ok that sounds worse but you get the idea).

So we just had to have a couch in it... what else would we sit on? So we bought this:

(How pretty is this?)

Everyone thought we were crazy, 4 kids+1 white sofa= Disaster*10.

We thought they were jealous, just because their kids were peanut butter and jelly encrusted slobs , didn't mean ours are. No way was this a bad idea, and if something DID happen ( not likely) we could take of the cover and bleach it. 

Then this happened:

This is what happens when you try to poop in peace.

Yes... that is a hand print.

I didn't take a picture of the couch, I should have to illustrate the dark yellow spots that were bigger than a quarter on two of the cushions.  I thought ^ that was HIGHlarious, but  then David found the couch and it took me all my efforts to not go all Homer Simpson on Doodles ass.

All I could do was breathe... DEEP, HEAVY breathing. I had to come up with a plan of action. David started to clean off Baby while I went to the bathroom to clean off Doodle. It took 10 minuets to get his hand to where they wouldn't rub off on anything. When I went back into the kitchen David was shaking his head... then he turned Baby around... HOLY HELL! He was BLUE!!!!!!! His forehead and arm were BLUE. When he put water on the marker, it smeared everywhere. I couldn't help myself, I laughed to hard I peed a little. 

I had Doodle sit at the table for 3 hours:

Then I stripped off the couch covers, put them in the washer with a little bleach and crossed my fingers. When the washer was done I pulled them out..."DAVID COME LOOK!!!! Its all gone... they are perfect!" 

I knew I got a white couch for a reason, I am the smartest mom ALIVE! So I dried them , and when they were dried I put them on the couch. "DAVVVIIIIIDDD! Come look at this... does it look like they are a different color from the ones on the back?"

" Oh yeah.. wow, the couch was cream, now those cases are white.. like really white."

Shit, " I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T."

Ugh, thankfully there was a recall on my slipcover ( when we put it together all the zipper pulls broke) and we can get it replaced. But I don't regret this gorgeous couch. 

And They're Off

It's the first day of school, YAY! We finally made it. I thrilled to report the kids are off at school. When they come back they will most likely be exhausted and want to nap before dinner. After that its off to work them out on the soccer field, then showers and then they will be so tired they won't have the strength left in their tiny little body's to fight us off at bedtime(which will be early woop woop!).I will (begrudgingly) admit I am kinda sad. I miss them, I really do ( I do NOT miss the work load and screaming matches, however). It reminds me that here I am, one more year closer to there being no more back to school days. My days of standing at the bus stop with my camera and their siblings are numbered. Sometimes the days seem like they will never end ( since I was raised catholic I tend to think this is purgatory) but when I look back, it makes me realize how fast it really is going. Cue the tears. I promise I will stop being such a ninny when they come home and start rummaging though the fridge and being so loud they wake up the baby. Right now however, I am going to reminisce over the past first days of school. I thought it might be nice to share some with you guys (while I cry so hard I am in danger of ruining the key board on my laptop).

 Picky's first day of school 2008

 He was so proud to walk down there with the big kids.

 He ran so fast I couldn't get a decent shot.

Princess was 3 and a half, She was sad to see him go.

Doodle was about 18 months old.

Princess off to head start 2009.

I couldn't find the ones of Picky that year, I think the are on David's Computer

First Day of School  2010.I got better pics the next day.

 2011

Next year it will be all 3 of them.

Me next, Mom!

Why I love my Husband.

Why do I love my husband? Because today (after over a week of baby being a total pain) he said to me

"Honey, When the pay checks for this month come in , go ahead and call the maid service again."

I guess he is tired of hearing me whine about how hard it is and how I never have time to even do house work. Plus work is getting busier and he won't have time to help out like he can in the summer.

This pic is not even close to how bad it has been this summer.

Holy Mother of God, That Was an Earthquake.

Are my catholic roots showing? They would have been even more visible had I not lost my beautiful Swarovski rosary I was given for my first communion.

As I was laying in bed nursing the baby to sleep (have I mentioned that he is teething, making him a FUCKING NIGHTMARE today?)

These are my thoughts as they happened:

1. Oh, thank you sweet lord he is FINALLY asleep.
2. As soon as his body goes totally limp I am going to move him
3. I hope Doodle went to his room like I asked
4. Ahhh...time to move the baby
5. Ohh wow.. that helicopter is flying low
6. ohh shit my whole bed is moving
7. ohhhh... damn it, the washer is out again
8. Whoa! there is no way my washer is this strong
9. Jesus Mary and Joseph I think its an earthquake
10. FUUUUCCCKKKK! Please don't let the baby wake up!

Looked out the window (nothing else seemed to be moving) I scooped up the baby and went out into the hall. Princess and Doodle were out there and looking scared. I ran down to the stairs and met David in the laundry room, as soon as he turned off the machine the shaking stopped.

"Holy FUCK! Was that the washer?" I asked

"I don't know. It stopped once I turned it off...but the entire basement was moving. All the cabinets downstairs are open."

"Well it could have been. Heavier loads make it shake more, stuff falls off the walls and it moves sideways."
I said

He starts moving the washer around, shaking it , then bracing it against the dryer.

"Man, that's one crazy machine."

I go back upstairs, Princess is upset because a lamp fell off her desk and Doodle is so oblivious he runs back to his bed. I lay back down with the baby and I almost have him back to sleep when David burst into the room " IT WAS A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE!"

"SHH! Get the baby back to sleep."

No I am not worried that the Apocalypse may be upon us, no I am worried that baby gets his nap in. Oh and now that school will be canceled.

I go turn off Princess' lamp explain what happened, promise to keep her as safe as I can and move on to Doodle's room.  He is in bed , wearing a white Easter dress , and playing with one of Picky's trophy's. ( God this kid is WEIRD!) David joins me and asked Doodle if he knew what an earthquake was. Doddle's response?
"It's where the people... they fall off the earth."

Hope everyone is safe (especially since most of my followers are my friends and we live like 20 min away from the blast zone. Is that the right word?) How was your earthquake day?

You Know Your'e a Mom of a Teething Baby When.....

You are willing to listen to ANYTHING that makes him stop screaming. Even this shit:

Because it makes him smile,wave his hands, clap and even dance in his highchair. Now every time it stops he starts screaming again, and expects me to sing and dance for his amusement. UGH! It's the day before school and he expects me to do this till nap time?

Why I love my Husband.

I am going to start another series on here. This one will not be titled 'Krista is an Idiot' It will be called 'Why I love mt Husband'.


Why do I love this man? Because this morning at 1am he drove to Wawa and bought me one of these:

Chocolate Banana

It was so sweet. So I don't have a man swooning at my feet and buying me flowers nearly as much as I deserve. I do have a man who will pretty much do whatever I ask, at anytime I ask. This little act of love and devotion made me smile. I was smiling, up until I read the calorie count for one of these suckers. Fuck me it was over 1100 calories. But it was sooooo good :)

Don't You Know It's Saturday?

I am seriously going to go on a rampage. Baby, is killing me. Seriously. He is at my feet screaming. Why? Not a fucking clue. But the sound is making me want to claw my eyes out. It's Saturday, you know the weekend. Most people can you know.. rest, have a break from the day to day bull shit that consumes the other 5 days. Yeah not me. I am pretty much stuck doing the same fucking shit because David is either working or wanting to relax. Who is stuck dealing with the kids as per usual? Me. And I am getting pretty fucking fed up. I want a break from the baby too you know. I am going to cry right now I am so overwhelmed. It's not like David is a slack ass. He works an 80 week. So I get it. And the times he does take the baby off my hands I spend it trying to get the things I can't do with a screaming baby on my hips. I would just like an afternoon away, with no kids, and no husband calling me up bitching about the kids. I just want one afternoon, once in a while. I live my life for 5 other people, I just would like the time to live it for me.

Playing Catch Up

FamiuI have been absent for a few months. Busy. Tons of shit going down. Lots of stories to tell. I have had a few fans people ask when I am going to start writing again, so here I am. I am here. I am , you are, we are here. How Suessian of me. Cut me some slack,  I have survived another summer break in which I have been up to my eyes in the great works of Suess. I have hardy had time to keep the arch in my eyebrows much less blog. I was taking kids to the pool, theme parks, park parks, cleaning, vacations, and loads of keeping my head above water. One thing I did for myself this summer was learning how to sew, and I have been busy with my new obsession. I am redecorating a playroom., so I can put my talents to good use.

Biggest news from this summer??? I got married! I know from my last post it seemed unlikely. In true David form it was totally spontaneous, random and wonderful all wrapped into one. On a Monday night sitting on the patio to Thursday getting married on the patio is how it went. Of course this is after we were right in the middle of planning a wedding, spending loads of dough and canceling it. It quite possibly was the best day of my life. We had some family, some friends and BBQ! I cried, he cried, the kids acted up, it was beautiful. I did everything myself, with the help of friends and family setting up. After everyone left we went out to the deck and danced by the glow of my string light ball thingys ( you know the kind you have at a bbq , think Famous Dave's lighting) I never wanted it to end. (and in my version of heaven I get to have those moments you never want to let go of , over and over) I am getting all weepy just thinking of it. It's true love. Or maybe it's just my hormones, its a sweet thought just the same. Here are some of the pics. ENJOY!

The cake I stayed up till 3am baking and and up to the hour before decorating. I botched the white cake mix. So David saved the day with the emergency FunFetti mix.

Best first kiss.

We are officially a family now.

So happy Stacey could make it. I <3 her!

My neighbor Carrie. I don't know how I would have survived in this house without her.

Whether it be a baking dish, a rake or a babysitter, her family is always there.

Yes, I had paper plates and plastic forks at my wedding. It was so down to earth we could have eaten off the floors (That I scrubbed by hand because I am a tinsy bit OCD).

Not every baby gets to eat his mommy and daddy's FunFetti wedding cake.

Surveying the land. 

And that was the best night of my life!

Men v. (Wo)Men

David and I have this on going debate, Who is better/faster/smarter/stronger, man or women? I say women , he calls me a man hater. He says men, I say he is a chauvinist. Anyways there was a Dr. Phil episode on this very subject last week. We sat down and watched it together. All the while David is saying it's a crock, that this is the propaganda of men hating women. That women are out to prove all me are shit. I agree, not all men are shit.... just most. They came to the topic of pain tolerance, and of course they bring up one of the most painfully experiences a human could have... CHILDBIRTH! If you have ever had a baby , you know... it hurts like a MOTHER FUCKER! Literally, your insides are ripped out. My vagina hurts just thinking about it ,eck.

Anyways, I agree with the commemorators , woman have a high pain tolerance. 

  . 

David keeps going on abouthow the media is trying to keep the narrative going that mean are dumb, and weak, or whatever, and how he could handle child birth is he had to (sorry, I love you and all but... no). He is holding Baby in the air whilst railing against evil women ( I take pride in my evil thank you very much). I look at him just in time to see the curdled milk go from Baby's mouth... to his.

"Ahhh! OH MY GOD, Get me something, get me something QUICK." 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Stop laughing at me and HELP! This is fucking disgusting!" He doesn't look nearly as amused as I am.

" HAHAHA, Weren't you JUST talking about how strong men were, and that you could handle child birth? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"SHUT UP! This is soo different!Now please get me a towel!"

I am sorry, I am kinda evil. I thought this was hilarious. Sorry David.... Baby puke is so not on the level. I think for now we have come to a conclusion in this debate.. for now.

No More Online Gaming Co-Ops for You!

Saturday was a horrific day in our therapy session. Let's say there was more than a few choice words, raised voices and ended with a bang. That bang would have been me throwing my purse across the room at David and David storming out of the room. After the dust settled we were able to calm down and start working with each other. We needed some time alone to start mending the bridge we have been burning on both ends. Scumbag had to work so on his weekends I am his childcare (but when I need childcare... I have to figure it out, nice huh?). Thankfully I have Lala. She was able to take the kids overnight, which ended up being a true life saver.
Before we took the kids over I wanted them to clean their rooms ( huge pet peeve is a messy kids room).  They were in the room and were supposed to be cleaning ( Ahaha right...) I was in the kitchen washing the dishes and I hear yelling and screaming. Grr, damn it just pick up the toys and make your beds , without having me mico-manage.

 I yelled up the stairs "KNOCK IT OFF! Clean your rooms or no hot tub at Lala's!"
 I turned around to finish what I was doing, then I hear Doodle yelling at Picky , while stomping down the stairs.
"Dat's bad Picky I teewing mommy at you!"

Ugh! Christsakes once, I would like the peace to actually do housework.

" What is it now Doodle?"

"Mommmmy! Picky huwrt meeee."

Sigh,"What did he do baby?"

" He teabagged me."

Did he just say..... " He did what???"

"He teabagged me so hawrdely."

"HE DID WHAT??????"

He is looking at me like I am the biggest idiot." He Teabagged me too hard. You are only supposed to do it gentelwey. Not too much harder."

Oh God.

"Picky! Get down here NOW!!!!!"
 He scrambles down the stairs and asks what I want.

"What did you do to Doodle?"

" I dunno...."

" Don't play games with me. What happened?"

"I teabagged him. "

I can't help still looking completely shocked.
"Exactly what did you do to him? What does 'Teabagging" mean to you?"

"I teabagged him. That means I sat on him and jumped up and down on his stomach."

" Oh, whew, .... Don't do that again! You could hurt him. Now CLEAN UP!"

Oh boy! I thought he really meant he had pulled out his ... ah-hem... and well you know....
 Anyways, he didn't do "IT" but that means I need to monitor the content coming into this kids hands. Ugh, when does it end?

There's a Liberty Bell Sized Crack on my Wedding Bells

  I have't been in much of a bloggy mood.Things have been really stressful/ hectic. Soccer season is in full swing now and I have two kids going in two different directions. I have been trying to maintain my gym schedule in between games and practices. David and I have been feeling the pressures of the wedding, especially the budget.  It has been the underlying source of our fights recently. We are both afraid to take the plunge, for many reasons. Our parents divorce, the painful break up with his last fiancée, and my divorce. All those tragic event have left their scars and there is no tube of Mederma that is big enough to erase them.
  
    Monday night we got into a huge fight. There was lots of yelling and screaming after a day of sulking and stewing. He decided to call off the wedding, and it enraged me to the point of violence. We have decided to stay together and raise the kids. We are good friends, and loving parents, we want whats best for the kids. I really appreciate the fact that we agree on doing this together. He is a good man and a great dad. I am dealing with this, what are my options. I am in a lot of pain but I am working of forgiving his, as he has forgiven me. It is what it is. I still love him and he loves me and I am thankful for whatever time we have together. During this time I am looking into working part time and possibly going to school. I am going to keep blogging because I love you guys :) Don't be sad for me, because I am okay.

Coming Outa Both Ends

Tonight started out like any other ordinary night. It is Scumbag's weekend with the kids ( Thats a YAY! and BOO! all wrapped into one. Yay! Because its like a mini vacay , and BOO! because, well, he is a shitty dad after all.).  Anyways, its Friday night and Scumbag is on my front porch. (This is the perfect scenario for my much fantasized  about trap door leading to an alligator pit.)
"I tried calling you.."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah my phone is dead."
"I figured that.."
"Umm yeah, I put it in the washer."
Yup there it is.. the puzzled face. Yea, he isn't too bright so it takes more time than a normal humanoid to process information.Uh.. oooh, oooh, wait... nope he doesn't have it. Maybe next time.

"Ok guys! Princess, shoes and coat. If you don't want a coat grab your hoodie (Nautica, adorable and it was 60% off at the outlet!) Doodle, boots and coat. Picky... coat. NOW! Let's MOVE IT!."
 Doodle and Princess are hugging me and out the door in no time. It's Picky that starts jumping up and down screaming he is going to miss his Nana (nasty, dirty, urine smelling blankie) and that Gogo and Lala (again nasty, dirty, urine smelling...I kid, I kid) are coming down to take him out for ice-cream.

Enter the emotional blackmail.... (oh and btdubz Scumbag... eventually the abuse won't work anymore... and they will leave you to rot in your own filth and failure...just like I did.)

"Picky! You need to come here right now!"

"Nooo. Nooo. I want to stay here! " He is in the kitchen cowering in the corner.

Scumbag says, "You need to come here and tell me that. I need a reason."

"I will miss my Nana!"

"You can bring your Nana, I need a better reason than that."

I say, "It's ok with me if you stay, but its your dad's (loose term) weekend."

"But Gogo and Lala said that they were coming down this weekend and were going to take me out for ice-cream!"

"I understand you want that." I turn to Scumbag " You know how my mom is... it's touch and go with her."

"Is this what you want? Fine, we are going off to have fun without you. See you later."

Yeah asshole, don't let the door hit you on the way out. How dare you try to make my child feel bad.
This is one of the reasons I hate you.

After he leaves, Picky starts jumping up and down in the recliner and flips on the T.V.
 "If you are going to stay home , you are going to spend time with us. You can either go to the store with me or stay in the kitchen and talk to Dad while he cooks."

"What??? Oh man!"

We go to the store, get subs, and get home. Then we all sit down for dinner while I nurse Baby. After that it is time to feed baby solids. I get him in the highchair and go to the pantry and grab his food.

"OOH! Look Baby its nummy PEAS!."

David says, "Peas? Again? Really?"

"Yes Daddy! He needs to get used to eating his veggies."
"Alright, I just remember last time..."
"Oh hush and get him a spoon. Here, you feed him."
"What??? Why do I have to do it? You see this? Mommy wants me to torture you. "

David starts feeding him and I get on the computer... Hey I know I should use this time to do something productive, like dishes... but I need to figure out flowers for my wedding.

"Honey, he hates this. Look at him."

I look over as David shovels another spoon full in my tiny prince's mouth. He braced his arms against the tray, reared his head back and made the most disgusted face I have ever seen on a baby. He starts spitting them out then sucking them back in. It is a sight to be seen.

"When do I stop this?"
"I guess now. Help me give him a bath, please?"
I turn to head up the stairs and I feel something warm running down my fingers.

"Ohhh Grosss!! Ah! Ah! AHHH ! Get it off! I bet you are loving this, aren't you! You think this is payback for making the baby eat peas, don't you!"
Yup, David is smirking. Jerk.

David and I take Baby upstairs. We tag team it, I gather the supplies, run the bath water and get undressed and David gets Baby undressed and hands him to me. Then he takes the diaper off, and its full of shit. Nice. David grabs some toilet paper and wipes it off  while I hold his shitty bottom. Now that is taken care of , back to business.
    I love taking baths with the baby. It is the only time in the kids life where it isn't weird. It is so intimate, I am so full of motherly love right now. I kiss the top of his downy soft head and snuggle his neck.....EWWWWW!
I look down and there is puked up peas all over the both of us and the water.  Gross.
"Time to get out daddy! Get me a towel please. "
I wipe him down and let the water out then I cradle him in my arms to keep him warm. I am looking into those beautiful baby blues....... FUCK ALL! My lap has a warm sensation that is now trickling down my thigh. I look down and see him peeing on me!

"Daaavvviiiiiddddd!! HURRY! HE just peed on me!'
David runs back into the bathroom just as he pukes up a larger amount of half digested peas , all over my chest. He can't help but laugh at the sight, I don't blame him but would never tell him that. He grabs Baby and sticks him in the shower to rinse him off. I am making grossed out noises and laughing... what else can I do? This makes Baby laugh, which makes it worse! He is smiling and giggling at the sight of a nekkid mommy covered in pee and puked up peas... Haha payback baby, payback. David pulls him out of the shower and I wrap him in the towel.... SHIT! He vomits up putrid peas for the fourth time tonight all over himself. David sticks him back in the shower and rinses him off for hopefully the last time tonight. I won't hold my breath.  David goes and gets the baby dressed for bed and I rinse the tub out and run a nice relaxing bath for me. I get in and start to relax. Ahhhh, so ni.... Fuck. Now all the hot water is gone. Perfect.

Seriously? PORN ?

As I am writing this blog I want you to imagine me (in all my hotness) hanging my head and sighing heavily.


 This morning David and I agreed to help my dad this morning. It is Saturday and we like to sleep in, but today we were up at 730am to help his old crotchety ass. We are all dragging feet and don't want to leave the house. Doodle wore shorts and bright blue rain boots and Princess was in her brothers sweatpants and Gymboree Mermaid Magic flipflops. It was 36f outside mind you. I refused to argue with them and just packed the clothing they would need ie; tennis shoes and pants. We get them in the car and roll out almost an hour late, drop them off with Scumbag and head to my dad's house.

When we get there I hear the vacuum going ( if you know me this is were my love of all things vacuumed starts). Snugs (my step mom) opens the door.

 " Your damn daddy! I swear! I told him vacuum this one tiny spot! Now he is doing the whole damn house! PAC (my dad's nick name on here) ! Damn it PAC! Why the hell are you vacuuming the whole damn house!?! I swear! Lord I swear! "

This is where I let you know that sadly.... this is the most functional adult relationship I know.. tragic.

   "Damn it Snugs! You could at least be thankful I am doing this."

"Come on in guys! "

We exchange greetings and my dad stops vacuuming (for now).

" I have something for you! My save the dates are in. Look, it's a magnet!"

"Oh how neat! Look PAC. It's very nice Krista." ( My parents don't call me this, only David and my family call me by my "home" name.)

"Yup.. uhhuh." ( my dad is not a man of many intelligible words. Think... the crazy creole from "The Water Boy".)

 " We have something for you too!"said Snugs.

" Really? A present?" David looked excited.

" Here, let me go get it."

Snugs returns with a Wal-Mart bag tied at the top.

" Here. These will save your marriage."
She handed the bag to David , who hands it to me.

(Why is my dad grinning?)

" ...... OH MY WORD! " Am I seeing though this bag correctly?

" Yup, it's Playboys. They will save your marriage."


What the FUCK!!!!!! Are you serious? PORN?!?!?! I am so creeped out on so many levels.
First... my step mom just handed me porn... porn she obviously used to "Save her marriage" with my dad. Shudder.
Second... oh Jesus. Do I even need any more reasons than... they used this... together... my dad... nekkid... step mom... nekkid... with nuddie magazines???? Holy fuck I need to go boil my brain to sterilize it... even then I don't know if I will ever be clean again!

So.. Snugs... Dad... I love you both.. I really do... but a child should never.. ever..... ever.... ever......EVER think of the mums and dads bumping uglies...EVER.

Sorry

           I am sorry I have been away so long. The week when we had a house full of guests threw we off schedule , so I apologize. I also have been dealing with personal issues, some David has been a true rock in helping me deal, others.. a total dick. I am not holding this against him, he is only human and I imagine dealing with someone that battles mental illness isn't easy. Well I know it isn't easy. I dealt with Scumbag's Bi-Polar for years and it became to much for me to carry.  I want David to know how much I love and appreciate him for sticking it through this long. He knows the ugly side of me and still wants to marry me... he is either a great guy or fucking crazy too.

            According to Dr. Pill Popper I am doomed to be chronically depressed (supposedly he told my mom I was just spoiled , but that's her twisted version). I will deal with this for the rest if my life. ( God I fucking hope not) I have periods where things are fine, but never long lasting. I go from normal to loosing interest in things I love ( ie; crafting, thrifting, blogging) , feeling unsatisfied, hopeless, frustrated, and angry with myself and my life. I will either bottle these feelings up, because David wants to either fix them or takes them personally, or I explode with anger. It mostly ends up on David's door step either way. ( poor guy, but trust me I get as much as I give, his job is really stressful) Sometimes it ends up with my kids, and it is unfortunate. It is always because of my lack of patience, or knowledge of how to deal with the situation.

        I am having a hard time. I give and give and give all day, and I get very little in return. (From my kids, not David) It's like.. why am I doing this? It's hard and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel. My kids don't care how hard David or I really work to provide them the best life we can give them. They don't care the countless hours spent trying to make their childhood nothing short of fucking Disneyland. I feel frustrated, unappreciated and over whelmed. It truly is a paradox, I can't wait for this to be over but when it is I will miss it like hell. How is that fair?I promise I will get back on here and talk about more funny shit, like  how I broke a display cake and still feel completely red faced, so much so I am afraid to even email the woman making my cake. But right now I need to find the lid to my pan... because SOME PEOPLE can't put things where they belong. I am looking at you LALA... or Dustin.( Couldn't think of a nickname on the spot... you understand ,right?)

Seriously??? ANOTHER Ice Day?

Ice day part3? This is not what I was expecting this morning when I rolled over and nudged (kicked hard...again tomato , tamatoh) my one true love.
" David! WHAT TIME IS IT?"

Grumble "7:52."

"OH my God! The bus will be here in like 25 min. Can you get them fed?"
Ok it sounds like I am being lazy here, but I am legit. About 2 minuets ago Baby woke up. He has perfect timing. Not that I am complaining, my bed is so snuggly and warm and baby is so cute. PLUS I get an extra 15 minuets to sleep in. I however feel slightly bad that David has had roughly 2 hours sleep, but at this moment I am indisposed . It takes a few more gentle nudges ( hard shakes and a few "HEY DAVID"'s ) and he is up and taking care of business.
  Ahhhh! Now where was I.... oh yes... getting a back rub with no strings attached from Ryan Gosling... hmmm ... eyes shutting....zzzzzzzzz........

"KRISTA! ARE YOU UP???"

DAMIT! Thanks for using my methods against me. Ok, now where was I?......oh yeah Ryan... Me.... Oil...zzzzz........

"Honey, I need you" Oh yes Ryan I need you too....
"HONEY! I NEED YOU!"
For fucks sake David! Have you no respect for all that is RYAN!

"Ok! I am up! What do you need?"

" I"ll tell you when you get down here."

UH OH! This is NEVER a good sign.

" Can't you tell me NOW?"
" Just wait till you are down here."

Sigh, I know it's not good.. so just fucking tell me!
"Ok Honey! I'm coming down now."

At the bottom of the stairs I find the bathroom rug , and Doodle in a witch dress sitting on the toilet..... Do I even want to know?

" Why is the rug in the hall?"

" I was doing damage control, it would have been much worse had I not."

UMMMM?????

" What the hell happened and why are you so flustered?"

" I needed you get you down here because I didn't know what to do...."

UMM? WHAT THE HELL? This must be really bad.. the older kids are sitting quietly eating their breakfasts looking up at me.

"What's going on?"

David takes a deep breath to steady his nerves... " Doodle stood up in his chair...'

Ok thats not too bad....

"Lifted his dress up, and wasn't wearing any underwear...."

Ok a little bizarre but really? This is Doodle we are talking about...

" And he started pissing on the carpet."

BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.... AhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

"Thats funny!"
"NO IT ISN'T! What am I supposed to do?"

" Get paper towels, the eco friendly spray, and a plastic bag and make him clean it up."

Now it's time for my chocolate shredded wheats.... fiber never tasted so good.

"MOM! We are going to miss the bus."

" How about I drive you guys in today?" I am not about to abandon this bowl of nummy goodness.

"YAY!!" And there was much rejoicing.

After I finished I send everyone outside to get in the van.  Princess slipped on the steps... hmmm thats weird.
I de-ice my car and we are on our way. As I get closer.... there aren't as many cars on the road..... and there are no cars in the parking lot. WHAT THE HELL! Oh maybe it's a 2 hour delay (positive thinking.. and David says I am a pessimist... I'll show him hmph) I drive to the nearby high school just to confirm my suspicions.... No...no... this can't be! This is no good! This lot is empty too! WHAAAHHH!
I take the kids home and run to David...
"School is canceled!"
"NO!WHY?LET ME LOOK!"
YUP! There it is in black and white... SCHOOL CLOSED.
David and I embrace, to try and comfort each other, knowing it's a long day ahead.

"Oh wait! I have a 2 hour block at the gym for Baby. I will just take them with me!"

Genius. The rest of my day is pole dancing(for fitness of course) , lounging the rest of the time at the gym, lunch with my love (after a budget discussion oh and about what a negative Nancy I am ) and nap time. I got to snuggle with Doodle , I am thankful he didn't pee on me. All and all it wasn't so bad. Next snow/ice/cancel school because we can day... I know just to keep them busy until nap time and we are squared away.

Doodle Quotes 1/31/10

This morning going into the gym. " Mom."

"Yes Doodle?"

" I have de huge penis!"

Sigh, how do I respond to that.


After nap time.
" Dexter is crying , he is being booty"

" Uh huh thats nice dear."