Sunday, February 27, 2011

Here Comes the Bride (Part 2)

Today was round 2 of wedding dress shopping ( if you are here in my head you will hear those boxing ring bells ringing). It went much better today, for two reasons. One.. I went in with the notion.... " Today is the day I find my dress." and two I have lost 5lbs since the last time. For most people 5 pounds? Big deal. You are right, BIG DEAL. When you are as short as I am , you eat a burrito and it shows up as soon as the last bite hits your mouth (as I write this I am savoring a taco from my favorite tex-mex restaurant).

I am giving a big shout out to TK, thanks so much! As always your opinion was weighted and appreciated. Thank you to Lala, Thanks so much for keeping others inline and protecting the day. I look forward to going shopping for your wedding dress soon. I love you both :)

Here we go!

                                                               Dress 1

 This looked great on. It comes in ivory, which looks better with my skin tone. It was very flattering on my figure. My waist looked small, which is ALWAYS a plus.

Dress 2

This dress was also really nice. I likes the asymmetrical bodice and the vintage style embellishment on the sash. This would be perfect if the venue was taken into consideration.

                                                                   Dress 3
                                                        Disney's Cinderella

This is the Cinderella inspired dress. There were a few tears shed on this one, I must admit. Growing up I wore out my Cinderella Halloween costume. It happens to be one of my most cherished childhood memories. I wore several holes in the VHS my parents bought me when I was 3. The Diamond White was a sample dress, there was NO WAY I was going to get my ass in that one. That one was the perfect color and the skirt had sparkles.

                                                                     Dress 3
                                                             Disney's Snow White

The sales woman pulled this for me.. forgive me it was too small but it gave me an idea what it would look like on. I must say I was surprised. On the web, it was nice but I didn't think I was going to like it. But I did. This one also has a vintage vibe going on.

                                                                     Dress 4

I tried this on because I liked this in theory. My Step-dad liked this one. It was flattering , BUT I think this looked kinda generic. Like EVERYONE had one. Nothing super fab, but if I found nothing else, this would do.

                                                                  Dress 5

My mom didn't like the bodice on this one. I however did. It has almost all the pre-reqs. for a dress. Pickups? Check. Lace? Check. Train? Check. Pretty bodice? Check. Mom said the bodice cut me "off weird." It didn't look as good as I thought it could because it was a size 20.

I go back in 2 weeks (as long as ZSK works with his mommy) to try them back on and see if there is anything else. Should I try a mermaid cut?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Seriously? PORN ?

As I am writing this blog I want you to imagine me (in all my hotness) hanging my head and sighing heavily.

 This morning David and I agreed to help my dad this morning. It is Saturday and we like to sleep in, but today we were up at 730am to help his old crotchety ass. We are all dragging feet and don't want to leave the house. Doodle wore shorts and bright blue rain boots and Princess was in her brothers sweatpants and Gymboree Mermaid Magic flipflops. It was 36f outside mind you. I refused to argue with them and just packed the clothing they would need ie; tennis shoes and pants. We get them in the car and roll out almost an hour late, drop them off with Scumbag and head to my dad's house.

When we get there I hear the vacuum going ( if you know me this is were my love of all things vacuumed starts). Snugs (my step mom) opens the door.

 " Your damn daddy! I swear! I told him vacuum this one tiny spot! Now he is doing the whole damn house! PAC (my dad's nick name on here) ! Damn it PAC! Why the hell are you vacuuming the whole damn house!?! I swear! Lord I swear! "

This is where I let you know that sadly.... this is the most functional adult relationship I know.. tragic.

   "Damn it Snugs! You could at least be thankful I am doing this."

"Come on in guys! "

We exchange greetings and my dad stops vacuuming (for now).

" I have something for you! My save the dates are in. Look, it's a magnet!"

"Oh how neat! Look PAC. It's very nice Krista." ( My parents don't call me this, only David and my family call me by my "home" name.)

"Yup.. uhhuh." ( my dad is not a man of many intelligible words. Think... the crazy creole from "The Water Boy".)

 " We have something for you too!"said Snugs.

" Really? A present?" David looked excited.

" Here, let me go get it."

Snugs returns with a Wal-Mart bag tied at the top.

" Here. These will save your marriage."
She handed the bag to David , who hands it to me.

(Why is my dad grinning?)

" ...... OH MY WORD! " Am I seeing though this bag correctly?

" Yup, it's Playboys. They will save your marriage."

What the FUCK!!!!!! Are you serious? PORN?!?!?! I am so creeped out on so many levels.
First... my step mom just handed me porn... porn she obviously used to "Save her marriage" with my dad. Shudder.
Second... oh Jesus. Do I even need any more reasons than... they used this... together... my dad... nekkid... step mom... nekkid... with nuddie magazines???? Holy fuck I need to go boil my brain to sterilize it... even then I don't know if I will ever be clean again!

So.. Snugs... Dad... I love you both.. I really do... but a child should never.. ever..... ever.... ever......EVER think of the mums and dads bumping uglies...EVER.

The Rules to Farting (Ladies Edition)

It's is a fact... women  fart and ladies pass gas. I know hard to believe, I get it. A yeti is easier to find that a lady willing to admit that she "fluffs". For those of you who proudly share your farts, bravo sisters , bravo. For those of us who don't ( I am one of them) here are some rules to follow, lest ye be caught in the most unpleasant of situations. They are as follows:

1. Don't fart over a vent. At any moment the heat/AC could kick on and blast you in the face with your own wind.

2. Do wear cotton panties. They breathe for feminine health and farts refuse to be seen in them.

3. Don't fart then bend over. It puts you at ground zero, and you might pass out.

4. Do blame it on the baby. Never fails, unless your baby is gassy as well. Then his farts are yours exponentially.

5. Don't fart in a stairwell. Even if it is outside. The walls will keep you encapsulated in a cloud of stank as long as you are in said stairwell.

6. Do blame the dog. If you don't have a dog, blame the cat.

7. Don't fart while wearing pantyhose. For some ungodly reason it will become trapped. Then it is like a trip wire, it could blow up with one wrong move. Since you are on a date (who wears pantyhose if they don't have to) this could leave a lasting impression, and a bad one at that.

8. Do blame pregnancy hormones. This is one of three stages in life you can fart and giggle. One is childhood, two is pregnancy and three is once you have full blown dementia and you think you are a child.

9. Don't dutch oven a sick SO. They could barf.

10.Do let SBD's rip and deny them. Try not to smile or make excessive eye contact. That leads to giggling and then the gig is up.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


           I am sorry I have been away so long. The week when we had a house full of guests threw we off schedule , so I apologize. I also have been dealing with personal issues, some David has been a true rock in helping me deal, others.. a total dick. I am not holding this against him, he is only human and I imagine dealing with someone that battles mental illness isn't easy. Well I know it isn't easy. I dealt with Scumbag's Bi-Polar for years and it became to much for me to carry.  I want David to know how much I love and appreciate him for sticking it through this long. He knows the ugly side of me and still wants to marry me... he is either a great guy or fucking crazy too.

            According to Dr. Pill Popper I am doomed to be chronically depressed (supposedly he told my mom I was just spoiled , but that's her twisted version). I will deal with this for the rest if my life. ( God I fucking hope not) I have periods where things are fine, but never long lasting. I go from normal to loosing interest in things I love ( ie; crafting, thrifting, blogging) , feeling unsatisfied, hopeless, frustrated, and angry with myself and my life. I will either bottle these feelings up, because David wants to either fix them or takes them personally, or I explode with anger. It mostly ends up on David's door step either way. ( poor guy, but trust me I get as much as I give, his job is really stressful) Sometimes it ends up with my kids, and it is unfortunate. It is always because of my lack of patience, or knowledge of how to deal with the situation.

        I am having a hard time. I give and give and give all day, and I get very little in return. (From my kids, not David) It's like.. why am I doing this? It's hard and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel. My kids don't care how hard David or I really work to provide them the best life we can give them. They don't care the countless hours spent trying to make their childhood nothing short of fucking Disneyland. I feel frustrated, unappreciated and over whelmed. It truly is a paradox, I can't wait for this to be over but when it is I will miss it like hell. How is that fair?I promise I will get back on here and talk about more funny shit, like  how I broke a display cake and still feel completely red faced, so much so I am afraid to even email the woman making my cake. But right now I need to find the lid to my pan... because SOME PEOPLE can't put things where they belong. I am looking at you LALA... or Dustin.( Couldn't think of a nickname on the spot... you understand ,right?)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Seriously??? ANOTHER Ice Day?

Ice day part3? This is not what I was expecting this morning when I rolled over and nudged (kicked hard...again tomato , tamatoh) my one true love.
" David! WHAT TIME IS IT?"

Grumble "7:52."

"OH my God! The bus will be here in like 25 min. Can you get them fed?"
Ok it sounds like I am being lazy here, but I am legit. About 2 minuets ago Baby woke up. He has perfect timing. Not that I am complaining, my bed is so snuggly and warm and baby is so cute. PLUS I get an extra 15 minuets to sleep in. I however feel slightly bad that David has had roughly 2 hours sleep, but at this moment I am indisposed . It takes a few more gentle nudges ( hard shakes and a few "HEY DAVID"'s ) and he is up and taking care of business.
  Ahhhh! Now where was I.... oh yes... getting a back rub with no strings attached from Ryan Gosling... hmmm ... eyes shutting....zzzzzzzzz........


DAMIT! Thanks for using my methods against me. Ok, now where was I?......oh yeah Ryan... Me.... Oil...zzzzz........

"Honey, I need you" Oh yes Ryan I need you too....
For fucks sake David! Have you no respect for all that is RYAN!

"Ok! I am up! What do you need?"

" I"ll tell you when you get down here."

UH OH! This is NEVER a good sign.

" Can't you tell me NOW?"
" Just wait till you are down here."

Sigh, I know it's not good.. so just fucking tell me!
"Ok Honey! I'm coming down now."

At the bottom of the stairs I find the bathroom rug , and Doodle in a witch dress sitting on the toilet..... Do I even want to know?

" Why is the rug in the hall?"

" I was doing damage control, it would have been much worse had I not."


" What the hell happened and why are you so flustered?"

" I needed you get you down here because I didn't know what to do...."

UMM? WHAT THE HELL? This must be really bad.. the older kids are sitting quietly eating their breakfasts looking up at me.

"What's going on?"

David takes a deep breath to steady his nerves... " Doodle stood up in his chair...'

Ok thats not too bad....

"Lifted his dress up, and wasn't wearing any underwear...."

Ok a little bizarre but really? This is Doodle we are talking about...

" And he started pissing on the carpet."


"Thats funny!"
"NO IT ISN'T! What am I supposed to do?"

" Get paper towels, the eco friendly spray, and a plastic bag and make him clean it up."

Now it's time for my chocolate shredded wheats.... fiber never tasted so good.

"MOM! We are going to miss the bus."

" How about I drive you guys in today?" I am not about to abandon this bowl of nummy goodness.

"YAY!!" And there was much rejoicing.

After I finished I send everyone outside to get in the van.  Princess slipped on the steps... hmmm thats weird.
I de-ice my car and we are on our way. As I get closer.... there aren't as many cars on the road..... and there are no cars in the parking lot. WHAT THE HELL! Oh maybe it's a 2 hour delay (positive thinking.. and David says I am a pessimist... I'll show him hmph) I drive to the nearby high school just to confirm my suspicions.... this can't be! This is no good! This lot is empty too! WHAAAHHH!
I take the kids home and run to David...
"School is canceled!"
YUP! There it is in black and white... SCHOOL CLOSED.
David and I embrace, to try and comfort each other, knowing it's a long day ahead.

"Oh wait! I have a 2 hour block at the gym for Baby. I will just take them with me!"

Genius. The rest of my day is pole dancing(for fitness of course) , lounging the rest of the time at the gym, lunch with my love (after a budget discussion oh and about what a negative Nancy I am ) and nap time. I got to snuggle with Doodle , I am thankful he didn't pee on me. All and all it wasn't so bad. Next snow/ice/cancel school because we can day... I know just to keep them busy until nap time and we are squared away.