Saturday, March 12, 2011

Coming Outa Both Ends

Tonight started out like any other ordinary night. It is Scumbag's weekend with the kids ( Thats a YAY! and BOO! all wrapped into one. Yay! Because its like a mini vacay , and BOO! because, well, he is a shitty dad after all.).  Anyways, its Friday night and Scumbag is on my front porch. (This is the perfect scenario for my much fantasized  about trap door leading to an alligator pit.)
"I tried calling you.."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah my phone is dead."
"I figured that.."
"Umm yeah, I put it in the washer."
Yup there it is.. the puzzled face. Yea, he isn't too bright so it takes more time than a normal humanoid to process information.Uh.. oooh, oooh, wait... nope he doesn't have it. Maybe next time.

"Ok guys! Princess, shoes and coat. If you don't want a coat grab your hoodie (Nautica, adorable and it was 60% off at the outlet!) Doodle, boots and coat. Picky... coat. NOW! Let's MOVE IT!."
 Doodle and Princess are hugging me and out the door in no time. It's Picky that starts jumping up and down screaming he is going to miss his Nana (nasty, dirty, urine smelling blankie) and that Gogo and Lala (again nasty, dirty, urine smelling...I kid, I kid) are coming down to take him out for ice-cream.

Enter the emotional blackmail.... (oh and btdubz Scumbag... eventually the abuse won't work anymore... and they will leave you to rot in your own filth and failure...just like I did.)

"Picky! You need to come here right now!"

"Nooo. Nooo. I want to stay here! " He is in the kitchen cowering in the corner.

Scumbag says, "You need to come here and tell me that. I need a reason."

"I will miss my Nana!"

"You can bring your Nana, I need a better reason than that."

I say, "It's ok with me if you stay, but its your dad's (loose term) weekend."

"But Gogo and Lala said that they were coming down this weekend and were going to take me out for ice-cream!"

"I understand you want that." I turn to Scumbag " You know how my mom is... it's touch and go with her."

"Is this what you want? Fine, we are going off to have fun without you. See you later."

Yeah asshole, don't let the door hit you on the way out. How dare you try to make my child feel bad.
This is one of the reasons I hate you.

After he leaves, Picky starts jumping up and down in the recliner and flips on the T.V.
 "If you are going to stay home , you are going to spend time with us. You can either go to the store with me or stay in the kitchen and talk to Dad while he cooks."

"What??? Oh man!"

We go to the store, get subs, and get home. Then we all sit down for dinner while I nurse Baby. After that it is time to feed baby solids. I get him in the highchair and go to the pantry and grab his food.

"OOH! Look Baby its nummy PEAS!."

David says, "Peas? Again? Really?"

"Yes Daddy! He needs to get used to eating his veggies."
"Alright, I just remember last time..."
"Oh hush and get him a spoon. Here, you feed him."
"What??? Why do I have to do it? You see this? Mommy wants me to torture you. "

David starts feeding him and I get on the computer... Hey I know I should use this time to do something productive, like dishes... but I need to figure out flowers for my wedding.

"Honey, he hates this. Look at him."

I look over as David shovels another spoon full in my tiny prince's mouth. He braced his arms against the tray, reared his head back and made the most disgusted face I have ever seen on a baby. He starts spitting them out then sucking them back in. It is a sight to be seen.

"When do I stop this?"
"I guess now. Help me give him a bath, please?"
I turn to head up the stairs and I feel something warm running down my fingers.

"Ohhh Grosss!! Ah! Ah! AHHH ! Get it off! I bet you are loving this, aren't you! You think this is payback for making the baby eat peas, don't you!"
Yup, David is smirking. Jerk.

David and I take Baby upstairs. We tag team it, I gather the supplies, run the bath water and get undressed and David gets Baby undressed and hands him to me. Then he takes the diaper off, and its full of shit. Nice. David grabs some toilet paper and wipes it off  while I hold his shitty bottom. Now that is taken care of , back to business.
    I love taking baths with the baby. It is the only time in the kids life where it isn't weird. It is so intimate, I am so full of motherly love right now. I kiss the top of his downy soft head and snuggle his neck.....EWWWWW!
I look down and there is puked up peas all over the both of us and the water.  Gross.
"Time to get out daddy! Get me a towel please. "
I wipe him down and let the water out then I cradle him in my arms to keep him warm. I am looking into those beautiful baby blues....... FUCK ALL! My lap has a warm sensation that is now trickling down my thigh. I look down and see him peeing on me!

"Daaavvviiiiiddddd!! HURRY! HE just peed on me!'
David runs back into the bathroom just as he pukes up a larger amount of half digested peas , all over my chest. He can't help but laugh at the sight, I don't blame him but would never tell him that. He grabs Baby and sticks him in the shower to rinse him off. I am making grossed out noises and laughing... what else can I do? This makes Baby laugh, which makes it worse! He is smiling and giggling at the sight of a nekkid mommy covered in pee and puked up peas... Haha payback baby, payback. David pulls him out of the shower and I wrap him in the towel.... SHIT! He vomits up putrid peas for the fourth time tonight all over himself. David sticks him back in the shower and rinses him off for hopefully the last time tonight. I won't hold my breath.  David goes and gets the baby dressed for bed and I rinse the tub out and run a nice relaxing bath for me. I get in and start to relax. Ahhhh, so ni.... Fuck. Now all the hot water is gone. Perfect.


  1. Oh man! You described the first year perfectly in our household! haha! Gotta love being a Momma.

  2. Ugh, so glad Scumbag is (semi) out of your life. David seems like a great guy, I can't wait to see the wedding pictures!