Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sorry

           I am sorry I have been away so long. The week when we had a house full of guests threw we off schedule , so I apologize. I also have been dealing with personal issues, some David has been a true rock in helping me deal, others.. a total dick. I am not holding this against him, he is only human and I imagine dealing with someone that battles mental illness isn't easy. Well I know it isn't easy. I dealt with Scumbag's Bi-Polar for years and it became to much for me to carry.  I want David to know how much I love and appreciate him for sticking it through this long. He knows the ugly side of me and still wants to marry me... he is either a great guy or fucking crazy too.

            According to Dr. Pill Popper I am doomed to be chronically depressed (supposedly he told my mom I was just spoiled , but that's her twisted version). I will deal with this for the rest if my life. ( God I fucking hope not) I have periods where things are fine, but never long lasting. I go from normal to loosing interest in things I love ( ie; crafting, thrifting, blogging) , feeling unsatisfied, hopeless, frustrated, and angry with myself and my life. I will either bottle these feelings up, because David wants to either fix them or takes them personally, or I explode with anger. It mostly ends up on David's door step either way. ( poor guy, but trust me I get as much as I give, his job is really stressful) Sometimes it ends up with my kids, and it is unfortunate. It is always because of my lack of patience, or knowledge of how to deal with the situation.

        I am having a hard time. I give and give and give all day, and I get very little in return. (From my kids, not David) It's like.. why am I doing this? It's hard and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel. My kids don't care how hard David or I really work to provide them the best life we can give them. They don't care the countless hours spent trying to make their childhood nothing short of fucking Disneyland. I feel frustrated, unappreciated and over whelmed. It truly is a paradox, I can't wait for this to be over but when it is I will miss it like hell. How is that fair?I promise I will get back on here and talk about more funny shit, like  how I broke a display cake and still feel completely red faced, so much so I am afraid to even email the woman making my cake. But right now I need to find the lid to my pan... because SOME PEOPLE can't put things where they belong. I am looking at you LALA... or Dustin.( Couldn't think of a nickname on the spot... you understand ,right?)

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Krista. *hugs* In addition to your counseling, have you tried meds for anxiety & depression? I felt like you since Megan was born & finally got on Zoloft-what a world of difference! I'm enjoying my life again. No shame in it.

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