Saturday, February 26, 2011

Seriously? PORN ?

As I am writing this blog I want you to imagine me (in all my hotness) hanging my head and sighing heavily.


 This morning David and I agreed to help my dad this morning. It is Saturday and we like to sleep in, but today we were up at 730am to help his old crotchety ass. We are all dragging feet and don't want to leave the house. Doodle wore shorts and bright blue rain boots and Princess was in her brothers sweatpants and Gymboree Mermaid Magic flipflops. It was 36f outside mind you. I refused to argue with them and just packed the clothing they would need ie; tennis shoes and pants. We get them in the car and roll out almost an hour late, drop them off with Scumbag and head to my dad's house.

When we get there I hear the vacuum going ( if you know me this is were my love of all things vacuumed starts). Snugs (my step mom) opens the door.

 " Your damn daddy! I swear! I told him vacuum this one tiny spot! Now he is doing the whole damn house! PAC (my dad's nick name on here) ! Damn it PAC! Why the hell are you vacuuming the whole damn house!?! I swear! Lord I swear! "

This is where I let you know that sadly.... this is the most functional adult relationship I know.. tragic.

   "Damn it Snugs! You could at least be thankful I am doing this."

"Come on in guys! "

We exchange greetings and my dad stops vacuuming (for now).

" I have something for you! My save the dates are in. Look, it's a magnet!"

"Oh how neat! Look PAC. It's very nice Krista." ( My parents don't call me this, only David and my family call me by my "home" name.)

"Yup.. uhhuh." ( my dad is not a man of many intelligible words. Think... the crazy creole from "The Water Boy".)

 " We have something for you too!"said Snugs.

" Really? A present?" David looked excited.

" Here, let me go get it."

Snugs returns with a Wal-Mart bag tied at the top.

" Here. These will save your marriage."
She handed the bag to David , who hands it to me.

(Why is my dad grinning?)

" ...... OH MY WORD! " Am I seeing though this bag correctly?

" Yup, it's Playboys. They will save your marriage."


What the FUCK!!!!!! Are you serious? PORN?!?!?! I am so creeped out on so many levels.
First... my step mom just handed me porn... porn she obviously used to "Save her marriage" with my dad. Shudder.
Second... oh Jesus. Do I even need any more reasons than... they used this... together... my dad... nekkid... step mom... nekkid... with nuddie magazines???? Holy fuck I need to go boil my brain to sterilize it... even then I don't know if I will ever be clean again!

So.. Snugs... Dad... I love you both.. I really do... but a child should never.. ever..... ever.... ever......EVER think of the mums and dads bumping uglies...EVER.

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Good Dad gave it all to you so therefore I don't have to get this as a gift now!

    ReplyDelete