Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Worst Mom....EVER!

Saturday night was family night. We decided to play a crazy caterpillar game, to work on fine motor skills and hand eye coordination. Picky decided holding one of the arms down  to stop it from moving was a good strategy. David caught him out of the corner of his eye...

"PICKY! You can't do that, its cheating."

"Oh NO! I am a cheater! I give uuuuuppppp!" He gets up and runs into the living room repeating, "I am a cheeeeaaattterrr!!!!! I CHEAT!".

I try to cajole him back into the kitchen.
"Honey, come on back in here, it's okay, lets finish the game sweet heart."


I shoot David daggers.
" You know he is a perfectionist, and he acts like this when you criticize him."
" What was I supposed to do? He was cheating."
(Face palm, DOH!) "Couldn't have said it more nicely?"
" Yeah I guess so ... but he was cheating where do we draw the line?"
Great question to ask... but thats too much thinking at this moment.

 We both start calling him back ( yeah I know .. who is in charge here? Not us at the moment)
After we have convinced him to come back we all go back to having family fun... until....

"Go Picky! Go Picky! You are neck and neck with daddy! You can do it!"
David and Picky are struggling to get that last marble on the caterpillar hand..... it's down to the wire...... who is going to win....
It's David for the win! (For some reason he made up that he hates to let the kids win... something about teaching them to lose? I am not fooled David! I know it's because you hate to lose.)

UGH , I know where this is going.....

I tell everyone to tell everyone else good game or something to that effect... it goes well until we reach Picky.
"Okay Picky, tell Princess, Doodle and Daddy good game."
I am holding him. "Picky, do what I said please."
He slips out of my arms and starts retreating under the table. I go after him, each time he slips out of my reach.
"Picky, come back here and tell everyone good game."
I walk around to the side of the table he is on now.
"I want you to listen to me and do what I have asked."
Things get crazy from here... a whole lotta back talk and screeching from Picky.... I am running out of tools to deal with this. I am at a loss.. I keep talking trying to diffuse the situation ,nothing is working. This is ever more frustrating to me. Finally I have reached my breaking point, I just want this to stop. I reach out and pop him on the mouth. Instantly I recoil, I can feel the guilt piling up inside. I bend down ready to start apologizing .... uh oh.... uh oh.... oh SHIT! I see a small trickle of blood starting to seep out of the corners of his mouth. 
OH MY GOD! I hardly made contact with his mouth... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BABY! The sound of the tap hardly made a sound , and now there is BLOOD! 
" Hold Still Picky.I see some blood...."

"BLOOD! OH GOD, OH GOD . You made me bleeding!."
"It's ok let Mommy look at it babe."
I look inside and I find the source of the blood... there is now a gaping hole that once held a tiny baby tooth.
"It's not so bad... the tooth that is loose finally came out."
" WHAT?!?!? You made me lose my tooth!"
Now I know there is a missing tooth , I have to find this damn thing. Frantically I am searching on the black rug , should be easy right? Not on this food encrusted thing. All the kids are frantic now, Princess and Doodle and screaming with Picky . UGH! Not only did I tap Picky on the mouth and knock out his loose tooth... I can't find the fucking thing. After 5 minutes of looking I still can't find it. It then occurs to me he probably swallowed it. 
"Picky honey, I think you may have swallowed it."
"How will the tooth fairy get it now!" 
This is what he is most worried about now? 
Thank God for David he jumps in and tells him the tooth fairy will use her magic to get it out. Thankfully Picky buys it. 
  I Can't take anymore right now. I can't deal with the kids. I am too wrapped up in my own self doubt and guilt, I have to walk out the front door.  I feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world right about now. I hate spanking and the like. I think it's wrong and doesn't teach the children how to manage their emotions properly. I think it teaches them yelling or hitting is ok. I try to stay away from it at all costs. I sit on the top step hugging my knees and start softly crying. What I just did in my eyes is unacceptable. I love my kids with everything I have.. and this is what I did in a moment of desperation. 
It's freezing out here on the porch... my ass cheeks are starting to get numb.  I don't want to go in until the kids are in bed. Now on top of everything... I am a coward.. God get it together woman! It takes me a while but I gather up the courage to go back in. Thank God.. yet again I have such a great man on my team. He gets them ready for bed and comes back to the kitchen , when I am standing at the sink feeling sick to my stomach. 
He comes to me and embraces me and tells me it's okay. He loves me, and that I am not the worst mom in the world. In fact he thinks me feeling this way and trying to figure out how to keep it from happening again , makes me an even better mom. How did I find someone to love me , even when I can't? 
Sigh... I will save the "Why David is too Good for Me Blog" for another day. 

Please don't judge.. I have already beat myself up enough.

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