Krista is an Idiot

 I know you guys have missed these stories! Here is a fresh one for y'all.

   Today was orientation day at the kids school. We got to meet the teachers and see old friends (I think I looked forward to it more than the kids.Sad I know but most of my friends come to me as moms of their friends. I love you guys!) However this means I had to actually roll out of bed before 9am, (which I didn't. I hit the snooze for over an hour, rolling over periodically and mumbling "I don't wanna wake up")   AND make my self presentable. After surviving (just barely) 3 months with all four of my children I have let certain things go:

1. House
2. Car
3. Social life
4. Legs
5. Bikini area
6. Eyebrows
7. Toe nails

  Since I was going to the orientation no one would notice 1,2,3,5 or7 (unless I pulled a Britney Spears while trying to wrestle a huge bag of school supplies from under the stroller) I decided I needed to only work on 4 and 6. Getting them waxed was out of the question and plucking would have taken too long ( it's been a LONG 3 months) so I decided to use this:

It has two tubes, one is the Nair and one a moisturizer. I separated the two , lest there be any confusion or Doodle get a hold of it (since he likes going through my stuff, and there have been several times he has painted his face or other things with my makeup.) I grabbed the tube that was on the counter , took a Q-Tip and carefully applied the cream, and jumped in the shower to work on number 4. I waited 5minutes before taking a wash cloth and wiping off the cream. I expected to find my fur coming off in clumps... it didn't. GRRR! I thought I hadn't left it on long enough or put enough on. Whatever happened didn't matter, I was still looking like Bert from Sesame Street. My only choice now was to speed pluck, and it hurt like a muthafuka. They looked good enough not to be mistaken for a Furby but now they were swollen. When I went to put on my deodorant on I saw the other tube. Thinking it was the moisturizer I slathered a  THICK  layer to help with the pain. Then I noticed the smell.......

"FUCK!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK..... FUCK!"

David who was in the shower washing off the stay at home dad smell , was worried. I don't remember his words because I was too busy screaming enough F bombs to blow up the town and hovering over the sink frantically splashing water on my face and rubbing soap in my eyes. When I came up for air I heard him guessing what  had happened, after a few no, no, HELL No's I had calmed down enough to tell him. He busted out laughing (this part might be offensive, we would never say this in public) He said and I quote "HAHAHA You would look like a cancer patient with no eyebrows, I would have to introduce you and say' This is my wife, she has no eyebrows because she is a cancer patient'". Terrible I know but what I said was worse" NO! That's terrible. You should tell people (imagine the scene from 'Borat' where he is taking a class on how to tell a joke) My wife..uh.. she  uh... have a funny..uh..retardation'"

More laughing. He said while we were at the school my eyebrows would peel off like a sticker, and I would have to draw my eyebrows on, like this:

                                                                                this:

this:

                                                                this if I were more creative:

                                                               or face looking like this:

Thankfully I was able to wash the Nair off in time to avoid ANY of the terrible things pictured or mentioned above.Yes, I may have been temporarily blind from the BB&W hand soap I rubbed in my eyes.. but I NAIRoly (hehe) avoided sharpie eyebrows. And this is why I am an idiot, ........this time.