Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Rules to Farting (Ladies Edition)

It's is a fact... women  fart and ladies pass gas. I know hard to believe, I get it. A yeti is easier to find that a lady willing to admit that she "fluffs". For those of you who proudly share your farts, bravo sisters , bravo. For those of us who don't ( I am one of them) here are some rules to follow, lest ye be caught in the most unpleasant of situations. They are as follows:

1. Don't fart over a vent. At any moment the heat/AC could kick on and blast you in the face with your own wind.

2. Do wear cotton panties. They breathe for feminine health and farts refuse to be seen in them.

3. Don't fart then bend over. It puts you at ground zero, and you might pass out.

4. Do blame it on the baby. Never fails, unless your baby is gassy as well. Then his farts are yours exponentially.

5. Don't fart in a stairwell. Even if it is outside. The walls will keep you encapsulated in a cloud of stank as long as you are in said stairwell.

6. Do blame the dog. If you don't have a dog, blame the cat.

7. Don't fart while wearing pantyhose. For some ungodly reason it will become trapped. Then it is like a trip wire, it could blow up with one wrong move. Since you are on a date (who wears pantyhose if they don't have to) this could leave a lasting impression, and a bad one at that.

8. Do blame pregnancy hormones. This is one of three stages in life you can fart and giggle. One is childhood, two is pregnancy and three is once you have full blown dementia and you think you are a child.

9. Don't dutch oven a sick SO. They could barf.

10.Do let SBD's rip and deny them. Try not to smile or make excessive eye contact. That leads to giggling and then the gig is up.

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