Krista is an Idiot

I wonder if there will ever come a day where I can stop writing these... I doubt it. Until then I will continue to fill you in on all the ways I am an idiot. Thursday I was an overbooked, distracted kind of idiot. Nothing major.. just the usual stress induced idiocy.

For example... I woke up late ( HAR HAR HAR... what's strange about that?ANYWAYS...) , thankfully we have been raising the kids to be independent. This means by the time my feet hit the floor in the morning they are dressed, lunches packed when they are packers and more recently they have fed themselves. Or more accurately Picky has made cereal for everyone. It might seem weird to you that I am not doing all this myself. It really isn't. I have done this the past (nearly) 8 years. Picky being able to master things and move within his world independently is important to all of us. He loves being able to do things without me over his shoulder, and I feel like it is better preparing him for a world without me ( just this thought makes me tear up, but I have 10 more years with him, and if you think of how fast the last 8 have gone by... its not enough :(        ) 
 So I rush the kids out the door after they are done eating and getting shoes and book bags on. I don't have time to drive them, otherwise it wouldn't be so hectic. I can't be late because I need to get the little and baby boys ready and in the car in 30 min. so I can get to my sisters house , pick up crazy eyes and take him to work while their car is in the shop.
(WHEW! This is hectic but I can manage!) I get it done in record speed and am on the road in no time at all.
(FUCK YEAH! If you have ever made plans with me post baby number 3 you understand this is unheard of)

   I am cruising down the road , having a good time , rocking out to something hardcore I am sure (ahem... looks around SHHH! It was really Lady Gaga.SHHH!)At a stop light I text Lala ( I didn't do it while actually driving, safety first!) telling her I will there in a few. I am HALF way there when she texts me back... "found a ride last night... oops should have told you.. sorry."

GWAARRRRRAHHHH!!!!! Are you FUCKING kidding me... are you serious. DO you know how HARD it is to do what I just did???( never mind it could have been harder had I not raised my kid to be self reliant.) I busted my ass trying to get the kids on time, and get Doodle and Baby ready... and myself in less than 30 min. Do you know how much work that is????? And to say it was all in VAIN????? RRRRR!

Oh well I am close to the store I needed to get jeans from ( since my fatty jeans literally fall off of me. Go me!!!) Might as well make the best it!

I stop off at Davids mom's so I can drop off her glasses she left at my house. Mistake... she is a gabber for sher! This puts me way behind schedule , and now baby needs to be nursed.... and I need gas. Ugh! I have somewhere to be at 11... and it is now 10am. I get to the store, unload the kids start grabbing what I think is my size, try them on, then I run around trying to find flip flops for the ENTIRE family. Doodle is walking and getting into crap. UGGHH! Stop touching EVERTHING. He won't, he is happily prancing around the store in his witch dress. I get him to move it to the register so I can pay...I look at the time 1043am SHIT! Got to get a move on. I text the person I have plans with and let her know my folly. It's cool she says. I run home to change and to get Doodle in some clothes. I run out of the house and start driving down the street...Oh crap forgot my phone.... I reverse half way up the street , almost hitting my neighbors mailbox in the process. Ooops. I pull into the drive , thank GOD! I remembered to forget something, otherwise I would have forgot to shut the front door. SIGH. I am an Idiot...
  I gets better, I get to the park and find my friend. She tells me where everyone else is and asks if I could tell them to start heading to where she is. I find a group of mommies eating lunch with their babies and tell them "Hi! My name is Krista and so and so says to start heading over when you are ready."
   Why are they looking puzzled... " So and so says she's ready for us... over there..." I point to my friend.

One looks up at me and says "Who?"

"So and so?"

"Sorry... we don't know a so and so..."

Oh wow! This is real awkward.
"Oh oops sorry...."
Wow, I feel so silly right now. I tell my friend what happened and she tells me " I told you they are there."

"OOps sorry, I wasn't paying attention to anything you said to me, sorry."

Sigh, alone these things aren't that bad, but all together in a matter of 3 hours , its pretty over whelming. If I actually took the time to recount these things in full detail it would have been worse. But I am on vacation and I have been doing this an hour already and now I am being harassed to wrap it up and go to breakfast. Ok.. well I am the one harassing everyone else...but whatever. Have a Happy Sunday!

Men v. (Wo)Men

David and I have this on going debate, Who is better/faster/smarter/stronger, man or women? I say women , he calls me a man hater. He says men, I say he is a chauvinist. Anyways there was a Dr. Phil episode on this very subject last week. We sat down and watched it together. All the while David is saying it's a crock, that this is the propaganda of men hating women. That women are out to prove all me are shit. I agree, not all men are shit.... just most. They came to the topic of pain tolerance, and of course they bring up one of the most painfully experiences a human could have... CHILDBIRTH! If you have ever had a baby , you know... it hurts like a MOTHER FUCKER! Literally, your insides are ripped out. My vagina hurts just thinking about it ,eck.

Anyways, I agree with the commemorators , woman have a high pain tolerance. 

  . 

David keeps going on abouthow the media is trying to keep the narrative going that mean are dumb, and weak, or whatever, and how he could handle child birth is he had to (sorry, I love you and all but... no). He is holding Baby in the air whilst railing against evil women ( I take pride in my evil thank you very much). I look at him just in time to see the curdled milk go from Baby's mouth... to his.

"Ahhh! OH MY GOD, Get me something, get me something QUICK." 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Stop laughing at me and HELP! This is fucking disgusting!" He doesn't look nearly as amused as I am.

" HAHAHA, Weren't you JUST talking about how strong men were, and that you could handle child birth? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"SHUT UP! This is soo different!Now please get me a towel!"

I am sorry, I am kinda evil. I thought this was hilarious. Sorry David.... Baby puke is so not on the level. I think for now we have come to a conclusion in this debate.. for now.

No More Online Gaming Co-Ops for You!

Saturday was a horrific day in our therapy session. Let's say there was more than a few choice words, raised voices and ended with a bang. That bang would have been me throwing my purse across the room at David and David storming out of the room. After the dust settled we were able to calm down and start working with each other. We needed some time alone to start mending the bridge we have been burning on both ends. Scumbag had to work so on his weekends I am his childcare (but when I need childcare... I have to figure it out, nice huh?). Thankfully I have Lala. She was able to take the kids overnight, which ended up being a true life saver.
Before we took the kids over I wanted them to clean their rooms ( huge pet peeve is a messy kids room).  They were in the room and were supposed to be cleaning ( Ahaha right...) I was in the kitchen washing the dishes and I hear yelling and screaming. Grr, damn it just pick up the toys and make your beds , without having me mico-manage.

 I yelled up the stairs "KNOCK IT OFF! Clean your rooms or no hot tub at Lala's!"
 I turned around to finish what I was doing, then I hear Doodle yelling at Picky , while stomping down the stairs.
"Dat's bad Picky I teewing mommy at you!"

Ugh! Christsakes once, I would like the peace to actually do housework.

" What is it now Doodle?"

"Mommmmy! Picky huwrt meeee."

Sigh,"What did he do baby?"

" He teabagged me."

Did he just say..... " He did what???"

"He teabagged me so hawrdely."

"HE DID WHAT??????"

He is looking at me like I am the biggest idiot." He Teabagged me too hard. You are only supposed to do it gentelwey. Not too much harder."

Oh God.

"Picky! Get down here NOW!!!!!"
 He scrambles down the stairs and asks what I want.

"What did you do to Doodle?"

" I dunno...."

" Don't play games with me. What happened?"

"I teabagged him. "

I can't help still looking completely shocked.
"Exactly what did you do to him? What does 'Teabagging" mean to you?"

"I teabagged him. That means I sat on him and jumped up and down on his stomach."

" Oh, whew, .... Don't do that again! You could hurt him. Now CLEAN UP!"

Oh boy! I thought he really meant he had pulled out his ... ah-hem... and well you know....
 Anyways, he didn't do "IT" but that means I need to monitor the content coming into this kids hands. Ugh, when does it end?

There's a Liberty Bell Sized Crack on my Wedding Bells

  I have't been in much of a bloggy mood.Things have been really stressful/ hectic. Soccer season is in full swing now and I have two kids going in two different directions. I have been trying to maintain my gym schedule in between games and practices. David and I have been feeling the pressures of the wedding, especially the budget.  It has been the underlying source of our fights recently. We are both afraid to take the plunge, for many reasons. Our parents divorce, the painful break up with his last fiancée, and my divorce. All those tragic event have left their scars and there is no tube of Mederma that is big enough to erase them.
  
    Monday night we got into a huge fight. There was lots of yelling and screaming after a day of sulking and stewing. He decided to call off the wedding, and it enraged me to the point of violence. We have decided to stay together and raise the kids. We are good friends, and loving parents, we want whats best for the kids. I really appreciate the fact that we agree on doing this together. He is a good man and a great dad. I am dealing with this, what are my options. I am in a lot of pain but I am working of forgiving his, as he has forgiven me. It is what it is. I still love him and he loves me and I am thankful for whatever time we have together. During this time I am looking into working part time and possibly going to school. I am going to keep blogging because I love you guys :) Don't be sad for me, because I am okay.

Krista is an Idiot

 A few weeks ago we were on our way to my dad's house to help ( this story was over shadowed by the porn story. Which was so horrifying I nearly forgot this gem.). Dad needed David to help cut down some trees. and move the taxidermied bear. As per usual we were running late( David is going to be late to his own funeral, I swear!). We are cruising down the the road , chatting, having a light hearted conversation when we pass a place along the way that does taxidermy.  David started talking about unorthodox taxidermy. It was something Dr. Seuss was into as a hobby. ( learned this tidbit at the ICE show at the Gaylord.)
 

This is what it looks like:

The thing with unorthodox taxidermy is..... basically using real parts of animals and making a new one or mismatching pieces .... think Jackalope 

Anyways, we were talking about this when I looked over at him and asked a serious question.

" Do you think anyone has ever taxidermied a baby?"
 I already know how weird it sounds once spoken out loud...
He looks over at me and recoils in horror.
"WHAT KIND OF SICK SHIT IS THAT!!!!Krista thats fucked up... Oh My God thats so disturbing!!"

"NO, No , No. Not like killing a baby in the wild and then taxiderming it.... like you know how some people taxidermy beloved pets when they die? Kinda like that... you know if the baby dies.. and someone is grieving and doesn't want to bury it. Like that." ( God forbid anything happen to my kids.. but if it did...maybe?)

He still looks unconvinced "Like have it laying in the crib or sit it in a swing?"

" EXACTLY!! "

He asked "Who would DO THAT??"

" I don't know but maybe there is a market for that?" ( there are grieving parents right?)

He looks back over at me and throws his head back and starts roaring with laughter .

" WHAT?"

" What if someone did unorthodox taxidermy to a baby... like putting man size teeth in it's head... grinning , like that commercial where those old people put in the wrong dentures..."

"OMG DAVID!!! NOW WHO IS THE SICK FUCK!!!!"

As wrong and disturbing the whole exchange is, for some reason we can help laughing until we cry.
Yes... this is typical of the both of us ... somehow people still like us.

*I understand that dead babies are no laughing matter, it's actually quite sad. But trying to make things silly is how we deal with the uncomfortable things in life.

Whipped Cream

 Right now we ( David and myself) are getting ready to head down into the basement to watch 'Shameless'.
David is gathering up snacks, lime jell-o (he is on Atkins.. we all must suffer), while I do a pre-bedtime tidy.

Me" Hey do we have whipped cream?"

David "Nope."

Me" Isn't that whats in the green bowl, in the fridge?"

David " Yeah... but its past its prime."

Me"..... I used it yesterday."

David " Well go ahead and try."

I take the green bowl out and it looks alright to me.

David" You might want to stir that."

I take out the spoon and start to stir. Once I get past the surface its this nasty liquid underneath.
"Nope... not gonna work."

David " Hey I can make some really quick."

Me" Can you make it quietly?"

 I ask this because its after bedtime... thats why we get to watch T.V., and our house was built in 1996. For some ungodly reason whoever designed this house put a window from the room Baby sleeps into the playroom... which as it so happens is connected to the kitchen. It makes life a bit difficult when we want to do ANYTHING after his bedtime that involves the kitchen.

David pulls out the hand mixer and the metal bowl. I wonder how disastrous this is actually going to be. He starts walking of the kitchen and towards the laundry room. Ummm? WTF???

 David: "What time is it?"

Me: "10:11pm, why?"

David "Time me." He starts walking out the door, into the garage.

Me "You are making it in THERE???"

David "Yeah, thats where I made it last time."

Me: "No wonder it turned to shit so fast."

When he gets back he has me try it, of course its yumm, even though it is made with Stevia. Which as it happens... is not a horrible substitute for sugar. So YAY! for whipped cream made in the garage.

Coming Outa Both Ends

Tonight started out like any other ordinary night. It is Scumbag's weekend with the kids ( Thats a YAY! and BOO! all wrapped into one. Yay! Because its like a mini vacay , and BOO! because, well, he is a shitty dad after all.).  Anyways, its Friday night and Scumbag is on my front porch. (This is the perfect scenario for my much fantasized  about trap door leading to an alligator pit.)
"I tried calling you.."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah my phone is dead."
"I figured that.."
"Umm yeah, I put it in the washer."
Yup there it is.. the puzzled face. Yea, he isn't too bright so it takes more time than a normal humanoid to process information.Uh.. oooh, oooh, wait... nope he doesn't have it. Maybe next time.

"Ok guys! Princess, shoes and coat. If you don't want a coat grab your hoodie (Nautica, adorable and it was 60% off at the outlet!) Doodle, boots and coat. Picky... coat. NOW! Let's MOVE IT!."
 Doodle and Princess are hugging me and out the door in no time. It's Picky that starts jumping up and down screaming he is going to miss his Nana (nasty, dirty, urine smelling blankie) and that Gogo and Lala (again nasty, dirty, urine smelling...I kid, I kid) are coming down to take him out for ice-cream.

Enter the emotional blackmail.... (oh and btdubz Scumbag... eventually the abuse won't work anymore... and they will leave you to rot in your own filth and failure...just like I did.)

"Picky! You need to come here right now!"

"Nooo. Nooo. I want to stay here! " He is in the kitchen cowering in the corner.

Scumbag says, "You need to come here and tell me that. I need a reason."

"I will miss my Nana!"

"You can bring your Nana, I need a better reason than that."

I say, "It's ok with me if you stay, but its your dad's (loose term) weekend."

"But Gogo and Lala said that they were coming down this weekend and were going to take me out for ice-cream!"

"I understand you want that." I turn to Scumbag " You know how my mom is... it's touch and go with her."

"Is this what you want? Fine, we are going off to have fun without you. See you later."

Yeah asshole, don't let the door hit you on the way out. How dare you try to make my child feel bad.
This is one of the reasons I hate you.

After he leaves, Picky starts jumping up and down in the recliner and flips on the T.V.
 "If you are going to stay home , you are going to spend time with us. You can either go to the store with me or stay in the kitchen and talk to Dad while he cooks."

"What??? Oh man!"

We go to the store, get subs, and get home. Then we all sit down for dinner while I nurse Baby. After that it is time to feed baby solids. I get him in the highchair and go to the pantry and grab his food.

"OOH! Look Baby its nummy PEAS!."

David says, "Peas? Again? Really?"

"Yes Daddy! He needs to get used to eating his veggies."
"Alright, I just remember last time..."
"Oh hush and get him a spoon. Here, you feed him."
"What??? Why do I have to do it? You see this? Mommy wants me to torture you. "

David starts feeding him and I get on the computer... Hey I know I should use this time to do something productive, like dishes... but I need to figure out flowers for my wedding.

"Honey, he hates this. Look at him."

I look over as David shovels another spoon full in my tiny prince's mouth. He braced his arms against the tray, reared his head back and made the most disgusted face I have ever seen on a baby. He starts spitting them out then sucking them back in. It is a sight to be seen.

"When do I stop this?"
"I guess now. Help me give him a bath, please?"
I turn to head up the stairs and I feel something warm running down my fingers.

"Ohhh Grosss!! Ah! Ah! AHHH ! Get it off! I bet you are loving this, aren't you! You think this is payback for making the baby eat peas, don't you!"
Yup, David is smirking. Jerk.

David and I take Baby upstairs. We tag team it, I gather the supplies, run the bath water and get undressed and David gets Baby undressed and hands him to me. Then he takes the diaper off, and its full of shit. Nice. David grabs some toilet paper and wipes it off  while I hold his shitty bottom. Now that is taken care of , back to business.
    I love taking baths with the baby. It is the only time in the kids life where it isn't weird. It is so intimate, I am so full of motherly love right now. I kiss the top of his downy soft head and snuggle his neck.....EWWWWW!
I look down and there is puked up peas all over the both of us and the water.  Gross.
"Time to get out daddy! Get me a towel please. "
I wipe him down and let the water out then I cradle him in my arms to keep him warm. I am looking into those beautiful baby blues....... FUCK ALL! My lap has a warm sensation that is now trickling down my thigh. I look down and see him peeing on me!

"Daaavvviiiiiddddd!! HURRY! HE just peed on me!'
David runs back into the bathroom just as he pukes up a larger amount of half digested peas , all over my chest. He can't help but laugh at the sight, I don't blame him but would never tell him that. He grabs Baby and sticks him in the shower to rinse him off. I am making grossed out noises and laughing... what else can I do? This makes Baby laugh, which makes it worse! He is smiling and giggling at the sight of a nekkid mommy covered in pee and puked up peas... Haha payback baby, payback. David pulls him out of the shower and I wrap him in the towel.... SHIT! He vomits up putrid peas for the fourth time tonight all over himself. David sticks him back in the shower and rinses him off for hopefully the last time tonight. I won't hold my breath.  David goes and gets the baby dressed for bed and I rinse the tub out and run a nice relaxing bath for me. I get in and start to relax. Ahhhh, so ni.... Fuck. Now all the hot water is gone. Perfect.